Saturday, February 19, 2011

We’re Off To See The Wizard

Okay, step one is done. We picked out the bar where we’re getting married. Next step – finding a man/woman of the cloth to perform this most holy of ceremonies.

I suppose that for couples who are getting married in an actual church (instead of a watering hole that features wood ransacked from a place that used to be a church), this decision is an easy one, and it’s pretty much predetermined for you. For us it took much more consideration. Sure, we could pick someone from a listing of available non-denominational officiant choices and pay them a small fee to orchestrate this union. And, while there’s nothing really wrong with this option, it just doesn’t feel that personal to me. I mean, what right does someone who doesn’t even know you have to certify your marriage as a valid one? Not to set myself up for scrutiny here, but I rather prefer that the person who marries us has a pretty good idea of how we interact as a couple and is willing to vouch for us. You know, willing to stand up there on the big day and say “Yes, I do agree to join these people in matrimony. I think these crazy kids are really going to make it.”

Thinking about it this way, Groom-A-Saurus Rex and I sat down and considered which person in our life knows us both well and would be willing, nay, excited to perform this ceremony. No, not only perform it, but rock it. With these things in mind we couldn’t think of a better candidate than our friend, Honorable. Alas, there was only one tiny obstacle – He was not in any way authorized to initiate a legally binding contract such as marriage. And yet, you wouldn’t believe how quickly this can be remedied. With just a few simple clicks of the mouse, and one easy payment of $26.99, Universal Life Church bestowed upon Honorable the right to marry us … after devoting a mere 10 minutes of time to this task. Hooray for technology!

With the ability to suit up (or robe up) firmly in his grasp, our friend’s greatest challenge now lies in choosing from the more than 100 “official” titles now available to him, ranging from those I thought were reserved for actual, “real” men of the cloth – such as Reverend, Rabbi, Monk and even Pope – to the trivial and nonsensical – a few of my favorites are Rock Doctor (R.D), Psychic Healer, Sorcerer and Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality. With so many options, I can see how it would be hard to choose. So far, however, he seems to be leaning towards the title of Wizard. And why not? Wizards have been known to grant wishes (to most everyone except Dorothy), and to have such a great friend up there speaking words of joy, faith and eternity to us as he binds us in our own form of holy matrimony, I’m sure every wish we have for our future is sure to come true. How could we possibly get married by anyone else? To have Honorable’s newly bestowed mystical powers, in conjunction with all the very real reasons we chose him for this duty in the first place, working in our favor – Well, that is a real honor.

And who knows, maybe Honorable will make a side business out of this. He can even read last rites (though hopefully that won’t be a necessary task). Plus, he’s got a handy laminated wallet credential to show to anyone who doubts his authority. And did I mention he also gets a special parking pass (though whether or not it actually prevents him from getting a parking ticket remains to be seen)? With this sort of power, he may never want to disrobe!

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