EEKKK!! Arrggghhh!! BLEH! Meltdown mode in 5 … 4 … 3 …
To quote the terminology we are asked to use at work – You might be wondering why it’s been so long since I last updated this blog. Well, let me assure you that it’s not due to a lack of interest on my part. I am just as committed to this project as ever. However, several other “opportunities” (not “challenges,” not “problems” – those are such negative words. No, of course, “opportunities” is the correct word to use when describing obstacles … I mean, barriers … wait, no … time-consuming activities?) Yes, that’s it … I have been otherwise consumed with fabulous other opportunities that have, regretfully, forced me to pursue additional activities outside of this blog. But, of course, I have now identified the ways in which I can make room for all of these activities in my life so that I can give you, the readers of this blog, the full and total amount of attention and efforts that you desire.
Although I’m pretty sure the only solution that allows time for all those “opportunities” is for me to give up an activity that I do greatly enjoy – sleep.
Not that I can sleep anyway, not with Hank the tarantula still on the loose and the dogs dragging constant filth into the house … not that I can even bathe them now that, out of the 4 showers we have in our house, only one works. The other (previously) working shower head decided to break the last time I was in there, sending the part of the plastic nozzle that regulates water flow flying straight into the back of my head with a hard “whack!” and now the water stream is so intense it’s like stepping into the path of a fire hose when you turn it on. So now I have to run to the other side of the house to shower, shake out the curtain to make sure Hank isn’t hiding in there with me, and dress myself from the pile of clothes in the laundry room (where I’m also convinced Hank may be hiding) that I haven’t had time to fold since returning from Vegas (and, yes, I know I still need to update you on that trip as well. For now you can write off my lack of doing so as a “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” maneuver), where I clearly did not strike it rich or else my malfunctioning shower and giant bug infestations would hardly even be worth mentioning.
But this is the small stuff, and these aren’t the “opportunities” that have really kept me from blogging as of late. No, even as I was driving my car this weekend at its new max speed of 30 mph (and that’s pedal to the metal fast) to the dealership to sell it, and I broke down on the highway 4 times on the way there, facing honking, nearly getting rear-ended by cars driving at top speeds, and being assaulted with some less than friendly hand gestures aimed at me and my (literally) smoking Focus I was not concerned … not even as I signed the paperwork on my brand-new, totally impractical and out of my price range Mustang … not even as I broke out into a bad case of hives from the itchy diseased fabric on the dealership couch I had to sit on for 4 hours to buy the thing … none of that was causing me much distress. No, what freaked me out … what sent me into fits of doom and despair … was the realization that there are less than 3 months to go until the big day – Mr. & Mrs. Day – and yet we have about 17 umpteen billion things to do between now and then.
I did actually promise not to be one of those people who freaks out or gets stressed about wedding planning. It’s just one day after all, and I’m sure it will be lovely. No, I’ve been very cavalier up until now – picking things out here and there without too much second guessing, making quips about how GAR is running the show here, and when people ask “How’s the planning going?” I’ve simply replied “Fine.” I mean, it is fine, right? Or did I not bother to check? Did I not check my “To Do” list to see how many items were on there still (okay, it might have helped to make a “To Do” list in the first place)? I guess not because suddenly it all unraveled. No, what happened is that GAR unraveled. Suddenly he realized that we had to get it together and get moving. And, much like Scooby Doo, hearing that he was worried about getting it all done – I mean, GAR, the guy who has never worried about a thing in his life … the guy who just assumes that everything will always work out totally fine because, for him anyway, it always does … if that guy is worried – I had to go “Ruh-roh!” Okay, now I am freaking out! And so we have kicked it into full-scale, Tim Gunn-style “make it work!” mode – spending every (previously) free moment working on centerpieces, menus, invites, programs, etc. etc. And it all leaves so little time for everything else, which is exactly what I was so desperately trying to avoid happening.
And it didn’t help that during my first wedding dress fitting this past weekend the dress didn’t, well, fit. I mean, it was too small. The fabric bunched and gathered and rolled up and plopped itself on top of my derriere and refused give way. And, while now that Kim Kardashian is engaged I could imagine this happening to her, at least she has her 200-karat diamond to help comfort her. Me? Well, I don’t know how to deal with it myself. As far as I know I didn’t gain weight (sure, it’s not like I’ve actually, you know, weighed myself to find out. But I think I have a general idea of clothing snugness and that hasn’t changed … I mean, buttons haven’t gone flying wildly off my pants or anything like that), so it was merely ordered in the wrong size. Or – and this is the option I prefer to believe – it was just crafted poorly and, in reality, it is my size and it should have allowed for more rear end room all along. But regardless of the reason, it has to be solved. I think I might have heard the saleslady saying something about how they can work to fix it but I was too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag to make out the actual words said. I go back this Sunday for them to start the hard work of altering it and I’ll keep you posted on how it goes … barring any other “opportunities” that arise between now and then, of course.
In the meantime here’s a snapshot of my new ride. Consider this purchase a result of my stellar “pre-wedding crisis” decision-making skills.