Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Roid Rage

The past few months have been exciting – an engagement, two cruises, a trip to Savannah, major home renovations, the holidays, family and friend visits, and a new doggy addition to the family. And, of course, our “older” doggy, Munchkin, went on steroids.

To explain this last point I think it’s best to start by not pointing fingers (or in this case, paws) at how we think Munchkin got injured, especially since we weren’t there to see how it happened. But, I think it is at least safe to say that the addition of a second dog into Munchkin’s previously solo-dominated territory led to a few instances of roughhousing. Doggy #2 is a bit larger than Munchkin and … well … I think it’s clear that we found out which one of our pups is less equipped for doggy wrestling. One thing is for sure – after many, many trips to the vet Munchkin was diagnosed with a neck injury and was given some steroids to help with the healing.

Munchkin is a rather cranky dog to begin with so I was worried that the addition of testosterone-riddled drugs would only increase his tiny puppy furr-ociousness. Assured that this was not the case, I started him on the meds and saw very quick results – no more whimpering or whining. The pain was gone, and my worries (and, if I’m being honest, my panicked meltdowns about how he was hurting and I didn’t know how to help him) subsided. But now, after 6+ weeks, he’s still taking the roids and, well, I can’t help but notice some changes in him.

Frankly, he’s beefy. Bulky. Muscular. His neck is the size of a tree trunk (or at least a sturdy branch) and his back is as plumped up as a quarterback’s. Think I’m exaggerating? Hardly! His weight at the vet 2 months ago was 9.8 pounds. Current weight – 11.8 pounds. That means that, thanks to performance enhancing drugs, my pup gained 2 pounds in 2 months. While that might equal one night at the all-you-can-eat CiCi’s buffet for you, that’s more than a 20% body weight gain for my Munchkin.

I know that once he’s weaned off the steroids this will likely all end, but I’m wondering how I can take advantage of his newfound heft until then. Sure, drug testing makes it impossible for him to enter into any professional sporting arena, but he could (at the very least) scare the poop out of those teacup poodles at the dog park with his enormous strength and size. I heard Arnold was thinking about going back into moviemaking, perhaps Munchkin could be his fierce doggy sidekick? I’ve got 11.8 pounds of unbridled fluffy fury pent up in my house just waiting for an excuse to beat up yorkies and steal their milkbones.

I’m open to ideas here … and I’m not afraid to exploit him “Toddlers and Tiaras” style. Lay your ideas on me!

No comments:

Post a Comment