Caught in the Crossfire of Gang Warfare

At our old house we were practically neighbors with Tiger Woods. While we didn’t live in anything close to a mansion, we did live in a nice, secluded, up-scale part of town. And when Elin started swinging golf clubs in her husband’s direction and TigerGate 2009 broke out, our previously quiet little section of town quickly turned into a paparazzi playground. But that was as crazy as it got in Windermere, and once the debacle was over and TMZ rolled out of town, things returned to normal and Ken Griffey Jr and Shaquille O'Neal went back to being highly watched celebrities in the neighborhood as well.

When we moved to another part of town, we knew we were taking a slight step backwards – celebrity-wise anyway. While we still chose to live in a very illustrious part of town, Dr. Phillips is really only attributed to being home to such B-listers as Joey Fatone, Wayne Brady and Johnny Damon (yawn!)  So, okay, the mansions here are not in as nice of gated communities as Tiger’s, but Justin Timberlake has been known to work out at our gym when he’s in town, so at least we’ve got that.

Of course, not being quite so highfalutin ourselves, we bought into our fixer upper knowing that we could only aspire to live like the former boy band members that populate O-Town. The first thing we did to live like a celebrity was to put up a nice, big (but attractive) fence around our property. Because, of course, every A-lister needs privacy. Oh sure, it did cause quite the ruckus in our cul-de-sac when the neighbors learned of it. Apparently the people next door to us have spent the last 25+ years claiming half of our yard as theirs and they were shocked and angered when the property assessment came back saying it was, in fact, our land. Gracious and understanding as we are, we went ahead and erected the white PVC fence wall between us anyway, making us the admitted “bad guys” on the block. But, let’s get real, I needed complete seclusion for swimming in the pool. I don’t want photos of me in my bikini showing up on Access Hollywood!

Little did we know then that this decision would land us smack in the middle of gang warfare.

It all started earlier this week. My fiancé awoke in the middle of the night and heard a knocking on the fence. Startled, he got up and turned the light on in his home office, which is closest to where he had heard this sound. He waited awhile, heard nothing else, and went back to bed assured that, if something had really been going on, the dogs would have barked ferociously (oh sure, they spend all day every day attacking our front door with fury every time kids roll by on scooters or the mailman drops something off. But someone knocking on the fence in the middle of the night? Eh, they’ll just keep sleeping through that). He told me about the incident the next morning but we both shrugged it off and forgot about it.

A few days later, GAR was out mowing the lawn (or, more accurately, mowing the weeds to a reasonable height) and, when he approached the side of the fence where he heard the knocking, he saw it – a message spray painted on our pretty white privacy wall.

The part of the fence that was damaged is, in fact, visible from the road, which does make it a rather perfect spot for one to express their rage in all its black spray can glory. While seeing it did produce some amount of anger in us (I’m not sure it made us feel rage per se, more of a quiet fury), we weren’t too worried. After all, it’s spring break right now and Orlando was just named the #1 most dangerous location for spring breakers (though what makes it “dangerous” was left up for interpretation … apparently you’re in “danger” of getting your property vandalized). However, when GAR called the police to report the incident they immediately transferred him to the division of their force dedicated to gang-related activities. Because, of course, random graffiti in a posh part of town could only be the work of some badass, gun touting criminals. There is no other explanation for this sort of devious behavior.

Granted I am not familiar with the “gangs” the roam the streets of Orlando. I’m only imagining that they must be loyal to various kingpins in the community. You know, there’s a gang that’s loyal to the mouse … one who backs the whale … and the gang who’s on the rise right now supports the boy wizard at Universal. That’s how I’m picturing it anyway. Since we live closest to Harry Potter land we must, of course, be in their territory and that would explain their aggression towards me since I work for a rival theme park. Yes, that explains it.

Or it’s GAR. I found these photos to support my theory that he’s secretly running in some gang circles. One of them even depicts him throwing up his Mickey Mouse gang sign. This could all be retaliation against him!

All I know is that this sudden attention to our abode means we’re moving up the celebrity ranks. I might even need to hire some body guards to protect me from my crazed stalkers. But, hey, it just comes with the territory of living the celebrity life.