Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Drunk Dialing on the Equator

It’s a good thing there’s a counselor in our household because it seems there are some separation anxiety issues to work out. Wait … where is the good doctor? Where’d he go? Where’d he go? Where is he?

Or that’s what I’m assuming the dogs are saying with all the frantic barking they’ve been doing while Groom-A-Saurus Rex (GAR) is gone (yes, even MORE barking than usual). For the past 10 days they’ve been clinging to me like a sock sticks your pants with static cling even after you pull it out of the dryer and wear it to work like that, looking like a fool when you discover it during that big executive presentation. And, from what I can tell from the nuances of their dog language, they are moping. Moping, staring out the front window with desperate hope in their eyes, and generally panicking that he may never again return to tell them they’ve been a “good boy” (though, to be fair, our pups have never been very “good” so they hear that very rarely even when he is around).

But it’s not just the pups who are freaking out about GAR’s absence, I’ve had my own separation issues as well. While GAR is on day 10 of his Ecuador/Galapagos trip I’ve been left at home wondering why it is that he’s off riding giant turtles (actually that’s forbidden, but I’m betting he tried) and swimming with sea lions while I’m stuck home. WHY?

The “why” is that the college he works for apparently just hands out cash for their faculty to just go someplace exotic and “experience other cultures.” They believe that this will make their professors more worldly and cultured … I believe they’ve never met my fiancé – a guy who loves a good time but should not be given such free reign if you actually want him to come back with tangible learnings he should apply to his professing. But I digress … it’s a wonderful opportunity for him, and from the overpriced nightly international calls I get from him (there’s nothing quite like getting a late-night $15 drunk dial from the one you love) it seems that he is really having an amazing time in South America (except for that part where he got robbed at knifepoint. Always a great thing to hear your fiancé tell you from 2,000 miles away … I knew I should have Galapa-gone with him).

And I’m having a fine time back home too. I had a wonderful weekend with my girlfriends and I’ve been getting a lot of personal agenda items crossed off my “to do” list now that GAR isn't here to distract me. But it’s not nearly as much as I wanted to accomplish.

Oh, I will admit that I had planned a long list to things to get done with GAR out of the way. Not that I don’t love his company, but he’s sabotaging me! Or so I was convinced. I try to do laps in the pool – GAR cannonballs into the water with beers in his pocket for us to enjoy. I want to prepare a nice fresh salad for dinner – GAR suggests ordering a pizza. I start organizing my closet – GAR turns on the latest episode of “Project Runway” (he pretends that I’m the only one who likes that program but his constant use of the phrase “Make It Work” lets the truth shine through). Yep, with GAR out of the country for a bit I was convinced I could make up for lost time and do all the “right” things I never really get a chance to do when he’s around.

But here’s where I tell you the part you probably already knew – the real saboteur here is me.

That’s right – I’m just as unproductive as ever. Only now I have to make my own dinner, kill my own spiders (I found 2 giant hairy ones this week alone – proof, I believe, that Hank was really a “she” and has left behind some of her children in my home. *Shudder*) and provide my own sad, one-sided commentary on this week’s fashion disasters without a single witty retort backing me up. Plus, it turns out that doing laps in the pool is ... well ... boring. Where is my cannonball-delivered beer? And let's be honest, while I'm trying to devote my unending attention to all of my pups' needs, I just can't sing the "belly rub song" with as much gusto and passion as GAR. I'm not fooling them - they know my off-key version is a poor dog's substitute for the real deal.

Okay, so maybe I can just admit that the reason I rarely do the "right" things with my time is because I’d rather be spending time with all of my boys – GAR and both the pups – than doing anything else.

And we’re all (yes, I’m speaking for the dogs here as well) ready for the missing piece of our household to get his Ecu-adorable butt back home. We South Ameri-can’t wait any longer! Thankfully our separation anxiety is finally coming to an end – GAR is coming home in a few hours. Maybe I still have time to organize my closet before then? Nah … who am I kidding? I’ve got a date with some fluffy four-legged friends and the other man in my life – Jon Stewart.

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